The Reluctant Mom

I have a pretty big confession to make. As a new mom, I tell this to a few people, and some get it and some don’t. I’ve never really liked babies. Toddlers and older children are all right, I suppose, but they’ve also never been on my list of favourite people to be around. I have only had a handful of people close to me have babies, and while I did warm up to them, I was secretly that awkward baby holder who didn’t know where to put her hands. I didn’t know what to do if a baby cried, and didn’t know how parents listened to that with such patience. I was never much of a baby sitter, and never volunteered in kids’ ministry. So basically I was an 18-year-old boy.

I knew children were something I was supposed to want, but there was not much enticing me to actually want them in all their glorious reality. I believe some women fantasize the idea of babies and think only about the sweet smells, baby smiles, and adorable little sounds, but I was much more focused on the screaming, smelly diapers, and lack of sleep. Not something I want to add into my life anytime soon. I also had a great job that I wasn’t excited about giving up, and was an incredibly social person with lots on the go. I wasn’t stoked on what I believed the “mom life” had in store.  

So how the heck did I end up getting pregnant and having a baby? (No, it wasn’t an accident.) The first big reason was Justin. That man was designed to be a father, and has always wanted to be. The way he interacted with little kids, loved to hold babies, and talked about our future family was beautiful and inspiring. I was also very adamant about being a co-parent, and not a mom with a husband like I’ve seen so many times before. I could write a passionate post entirely on that subject. If we were going to do this, we both had to be 100% involved. We considered the options of who would stay home for the first year, and determined it made the most sense for me to be the one to go on parental leave, even though he would have also gladly done it. But he wanted to have a baby just as much, or maybe even more than I did. I knew I could do this baby thing with him as my partner.

The second reason for deciding to make such a monumental life change was the promise that every mom told me: “It’s so different when you have your own.” Word on the street was that even if your heart didn’t melt at the sight of a stranger’s baby, having your own little one would be one of the greatest things to ever happen to you. And for the entire nine months of my pregnancy, I really hoped that were true. I never really had baby fever, and it made me a little nervous throughout my days of growing larger. Would I connect with my baby instantly? Could I handle a baby who screamed all the time? Would I be able to get out of the house, and would I go crazy just holding a baby all day? Would any of it be fun, or just a huge pile of work and responsibility? And one of the biggest questions for me: would I be fulfilled with “just” being a mom if I had to give up everything else? These were things that I really struggled with, and no one else could truly answer for me. The only thing I held onto was that somehow things would be different once I had my baby.

Well the day(s) finally came for him to be born, and you probably already know that I had a horrendous labour experience. Because of that, my very first moments with my little baby were mostly filled with relief and shock rather than awe and love. It’s not really fair that something that intense and rough on your body and psyche is immediately followed by the responsibility and emotions of a brand new baby. People go through counseling for lesser trauma than labour, and it is so much to process and go through. I remember the day I came home from the hospital, I went into my bed while my family held our baby and washed our dishes, and as I was listening to the same music playlist that was on during my labour, I just started bawling as the whole experience replayed in my head. It was something I needed to process and actually release before I could move on to the emotions of being a new parent.

The days after that were packed with visitors, which kept my adrenaline up and didn’t really feel like real life. When I say packed, I mean we had maybe an hour without anyone visiting in the first two days he was born. It was intense, but I loved it. Once things slowed down a little bit, and the reality of having our very own baby set in, I really established how I felt about being a mom. And they were right. I absolutely loved it.

The first few weeks with a new baby truly are the most raw and precious times, and I was so thankful to have Justin home for almost two weeks while we enjoyed our sweet little boy together. We became the parents who spent our time just staring at our baby and being fascinated by every single thing he does. Our phone’s camera rolls are filled with only photos of his beautiful little face. Both of us are a little scared we’re going to eat him we think he’s so cute. Neither of us can possibly fathom just how much we love him, and it hurts our hearts. I clearly remember the first time Justin needed to be away for a few hours, and I was by myself with Roman at only a few days old. I hadn’t been overly emotional till this point, but was suddenly having a weepy kind of day. It was late at night and I put on a movie to distract myself from the fact that I was alone. I spent most of the time just staring at his sleeping six-day-old face and telling him how much I loved him while I cried uncontrollably.  Something I probably would have lovingly teased my mom for doing. Now I’m that person.

Having a baby has changed me in so many ways, but not in the ways I was scared of. Every mom is so different, and absolutely no judgement here, but there were certain things I thought you had to do and a way you had to act as a mom that I knew I would want to do differently just because of my personality. I’m still incredibly active, go for walks every day, work out a few times a week, and get tons done around the house. I do my hair and make up and go out with my baby pretty much every day, we have people over every weekend, go to social events, and are planning a few short trips this summer. Now granted (and I really do know how important this is) we have a very easy going kid who lets us take him everywhere, loves the car, falls asleep anywhere, and rarely screams, and we only have one right now, making all of this monumentally easier. But I was also very determined to stay true to who I was and not become a one-dimensional person with nothing else interesting filling my days.

But that’s the other surprising thing – I actually want to spend copious amounts of time snuggling, feeding, changing, and soothing my tiny human. Before I had a baby, I think I kind of forgot that he was going to be an actual person, not just a…baby. I disassociated babies with personalities and emotions and interactions, and thought of them more as an item of responsibility and exhaustion. But I actually like my kid and think he is incredibly fun to hang out with, something I never thought I would say before I met him. Now that he’s starting to smile and make sounds, I really do want to just chat with him all day, and even when we’re out, I make a point of getting in extra snuggles whenever I can. I know he is only going to be this little and cuddly for such a short time, so I’m soaking it all in now. In this stage (of just one newborn who sleeps a lot) I feel like I have way more free time than when I was working full time, but I know that won't last forever either, so I'm taking advantage of it while I can! I am so grateful to have found this balance between having my little guy completely change my life, and yet not change it at all. 

If you’re a reluctant mom (or dad), I know you can’t truly believe it for yourself until it happens, but I promise: it’s different with your own baby. It’s actually the best.