Peace Beyond Understanding

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

This verse has so much power, and I have been experiencing it more than usual lately. 

Preparing for Christmas is always a crazy time for everyone. I personally have 8 different family gatherings, 2 work parties, a huge party for friends that we are throwing, friends from afar coming to visit, friends moving away, a wedding that I'm a part of, and to top it all off, a large Christmas production to put on! I also decided that now was a good time to get laser eye surgery. Welp.

But being busy doesn't stress me out like it does many people. I'm an extrovert who loves to load up my calendar with social events and responsibilities. I thrive on moving from place to place and rushing around, as long as I have my quiet time with God, a weekly date night with my man, and at least most of my work outs ;) 

It's not the busyness I have required peace for. It's making sure I do it all with excellence, don't disappoint anyone, and keep my sanity in the process. This Christmas production has been one of the biggest items on my list. It has been put on by someone else for the past 15 years, and is now the responsibility of me and my team in a very short time frame. I get to work with incredible people with incredible talent, but the task is almost more monumental than we can handle. But we will. Actually, we may not, but God will. I have such an incredible peace that everything will work out, and it will be an amazing production. All the rehearsals, decorating, music, people to coordinate, etc. will all be a beautiful representation of Christ and we will glorify Him through it. 

This is where peace that transcends understanding comes in. I don't understand why I have peace. I can't figure out my peace. But I love that it doesn't make sense. That's when I know it's God, and not my own brain.

Peace sometimes looked at as something that is passive, when in fact it is something incredibly powerful. It's probably because the feelings associated with peace are things like "calm," "quiet," and "still". But think for a minute about some of the opposites of those feelings: "anxious," "stress," and "fear".   The way that peace comes in and overcomes those powers that can grip our hearts issomething to be astounded by. 

Have you ever been in the middle of a terrifying experience, and suddenly been overwhelmed by a calmness that you didn't understand? Your anxiety was replaced with calmness, your stress was replaced with clear thought, and your fear was replaced with a feeling of safety. That is powerful stuff. Peace is anything but passive and wimpy. It is a force to be reckoned with and is so necessary in our lives. 

But it's not something that always come naturally to us. Even when we have a relationship with God, fear is still something that can overtake our hearts and minds and paralyze us. Peace doesn't always come automatically and instantly. I believe peace is something that is cultivated in our hearts on a day to day basis. It's something we must ask for, and receive by spending quality time with the One who gives it. Spending time in His Presence is the best way I know how to develop peace in my soul that goes beyond my understanding of a situation. And I love it. 

"May the Lord bless you and keep you, and make His face shine upon you, and give you PEACE."

Holding Lightly

This post is a long time coming. Not just because I haven't written in a while. Because I've been processing it for quite some time, and sorting out my thoughts surrounding it. It stemmed from a conversation with my mentor as I was sharing my heart regarding some fears. Her response was so beautiful and God-breathed, that I had to share it with the rest of you. Hopefully it will affect your heart and mind as much as it did me.

If you read my blog, you may know that I struggle with letting go. Letting go of people, specifically, through moving away, getting married, and just moving on. It's still tough, and a daily reminder that though one of my love languages may be quality time, the sudden lack of this possibility does not affect their love for me. I realized that my struggle with letting go was deeper, and affected more areas of my life.

I have a strong fear of losing people.

Recent tragedies for others surrounding me has put the notion in my head that I will also lose people I love sooner than I anticipate. This gravitated most strongly to my husband. The person I love the most in the whole world could be taken away from me at any moment without any of my say in the matter. While I am not of the belief that God takes away and places irrevocably timed death on His children, I do know that our every day choices and life events can cause such calamity. Someone driving on the highway while intoxicated and causing a fatal accident is not in God's plan, but is a real possibility. I'll stop there with the potential scenarios, as there is no benefit to fueling the fear fire.

As I was expressing my uneasiness to my mentor, and she listened very intently. Not normally being a worrying person, this was a bit more serious than my regular concerns. I spoke of the fear of being alone without Justin, and not having a clue what I would do. Playing out stories in my mind of what would happen, where I would go, how I would go on. It's sick, really.

I also spoke of praying for protection every single day, and though I do wholeheartedly believe in the power of protective prayer, I was not praying for it out of a place of trust. It was more like desperation to keep my life together.

She validated my fears, but brought me to a different perspective. While it was absolutely legitimate to desire to keep my husband around, I was holding on too tightly. In a paraphrased version, she said this:

"When you look at our lives and who we are, and strip everything down to the bare basics, our spirit is what's left. That is the one thing that is eternal, and what we were created for. So everything else in our life is meant to grow and bring life to our spirit. Everything is meant to bring us closer to God. You and Justin being married is for the purpose of learning from each other and growing closer to God through each other. The people and things of this earth can all be stripped away, but if we have our complete hope in God, we will still be satisfied. So hold on lightly to Justin and to all the other people and things in your life. Still love fiercely, but hold on lightly."

I was utterly and completely blown away by this. Every relationship and thing in my life that God has given me is simply for the purpose of drawing closer to His heart. He created us for Him. And while I know that in my head, it hasn't until now affected how I live out my life and build my relationships. If my marriage is, at its core, meant to bring glory to God, and bring me closer in relationship to Him, then yes it will be devastating whenever one of us goes to be with Him in heaven, but it does not mean that my life is ruined at that point in time.

It's a very selfish way to look at it, actually, since I've been treating my marriage and other relationships like they are for my benefit; even for the benefit of me and the other person involved. And while God gives us beautiful relationships to enrich our lives, at the foundation of it is a greater calling to bring us nearer to Him. The ultimate relationship.

So although it is still sad for me to let people go, I no longer live in fear of losing them. I still love them fiercely, but I am able to hold on lightly, as I know the bigger picture of why they are in my life.   

Thank you Jesus for relationships that enhance my even more important relationship with You.
      

Middle of the Journey

Have you ever been in the middle of something challenging, and gotten really impatient for the end result? Of course you have. You're a human being. Unless you aren't (robot? animal? alien?), in which case you have never experienced the devastating disappointment of not being "finished" yet.  

It could be anything; a project at work or school that you are in right in the middle of, and just really want it to be completed. A bump in your relationship that you know you need to work through, but you'd rather just jump to the make up....kisses.... Or maybe you're battling with an internal anger issue or self esteem problem, and you would love to skip to the part where you feel really free and great about yourself.

We all have them. Let's call them journeys.

One of my biggest journeys at the moment is fitness. Fitness is hard. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Maybe that means I haven't been through a lot, but I will say it again; it is hard! And it's not the gym I seem to have an issue with. I work out with Justin and two other friends, so even though I want to curl up in a puddle of my own sweat when I'm done, the social aspect alone motivates me to go regularly.

It's the *%^&@# food! I'm realizing more and more how addicted I am to food. I don't have a limit either. I'm not a girl who says, "I just tried the most delicious salad at this new restaurant!" I'm more like, "I just ate half a double pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hotline, then spent $14 at Menchies, and it was AWESOME!" (I'm not exaggerating. This has happened.) I could literally eat all day long.

I've never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but when I'm tempted to reach for a cupcake or a handful of popcorn, it's because I want it to make me FEEL good. I am an extroverted, passionate, feeler, and everything is about emotions. I also know that eating something good for me will make me FEEL good, especially afterwards. But it's hard to look past the now. It's hard to see that further along this journey, I will have more success, more victories, and more progress. I learned that fitness is 20% training and 80% diet, and I wanted to give up right then and there. 80% diet?!? But working out is the easier part! I bust my butt! I give it my all! Doesn't that count?! Well yes, but only about 20%. Grrr.

I started following a lot of fitness inspiration (or "fitspo" as I had to look up on Urban Dictionary) on Instagram lately. One page is completely full of before and after shots. It's incredible. The transformation of these women almost brings me to tears sometimes. They are my heroes, and I am so inspired by the work they put into their bodies to change their lives. But then I look at the dates on the pictures. 2009 to 2013. Summer 2010 to summer 2013. 2006 to 2013. Most of them are LONG journeys. And even though their pictures don't show you the middle part, you know an amazing amount of work went into that transformation.

We often forget that we are in the middle of our journey, not the end. Maybe we're even at the very beginning. And sometimes there will never actually be an end. I don't plan to have an end goal to my fitness. I don't have a final finish line; only check points. I know God works the same way in our hearts. We are always on a journey with Him, and sometimes it's really trying. Sometimes it's the really intense, life changing processes that we are smack in the middle of, and we want to be finished. I am not saying that He is always the one who puts us through them. Many things in life are due to our own foolish choices. I'm talking more about when He works on our hearts and fine tunes the things about our lives to make us more like Him. His desire is always to have us closer to His heart, and that journey is not always easy.

Oh, but there are victories. There are beautiful feelings of accomplishments, joy, and satisfaction. We go through periods of rest in His Presence and delight in Him and who He is making us to be. We go through periods of wanting to give up and get out. We can't see the end result fast enough, so we think it's not working. And we always have the option of quitting. But who, really, wants to be a quitter? Who wants to start on an incredible journey with promising results, and quit when it gets too tough? I sure don't. Being comfortable is no longer for me!

So I gotta get my focus right and concentrate on the most important things. No more looking sideways (which is often more tempting than looking back). We are in the MIDDLE of our journeys, friends. But we will reach our goals soon enough.      

Perfect Timing

Waiting in an airport gives you plenty of time to think. And write if you're into that kind of thing. I just so happen to be, so I will hope to entertain with some mindless musings. I promise to not disappoint with the mindless aspect, as I have at this point not slept in 24 hours. 

While our final destination of Riviera Maya, Mexico will be a wonderful experience, the process of getting there is not as much. Our first flight at 6am was delayed two hours. This means our previous genius plan to throw a big party, eat lots of sugar and energy drinks, and have friends drive us to the airport for 3:30am is looking slightly foolish in hindsight. Not being able to close my eyes while also having a giant stomachache may not be the best way to start a vacation. 

It is, however, what my current circumstances are, so I will deal with them nonetheless. My partner in crime seems to be able to sleep in the upright position, which I envy but admire. I am incredibly grateful for his patience and sweet nature. I am more like a snarly bear with bad breath (hold onto that mental picture for a minute), but he simply kisses me on the forehead and tells me how beautiful I am. I am far too lucky. 

While I was waiting in one of many areas, I opened my lovely Olive Tree Bible study app and read Psalm 20. Do you know what it says? 

Verse 1: "May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob protect you!"

Verse 4: "May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans!"

Look at that. The three things I'm praying for right now: help for my trouble (however trivial: please don't lose my luggage),  protection (lets stay safe and feel healthy), and my heart's desire (to be in gorgeous Mexico with my husband). Praying in this case might be another term for slightly whiny conversation with God; but somehow He blesses me all the same with beautiful scripture aimed right at my needs in the moment. His timing is always incredible, even through my persistent impatience. I am continuously blown away. 

I think I'll stop being whiny now and try to sleep on a bench with the hubs. Or just watch him. He's pretty cute ;) 

The Fitness Post

All right, folks! Here's the part where I explain what on earth I'm doing with my work outs/eating that you may have seen peeking out on Facebook and Instagram. I promise it will come back to and relate to the regular things I blog about that you may be intrigued by, so don't go away just yet if fitness scares the bajeebers out of you. 

I never thought I would actually be writing about this and letting more than my close friends know what is happening with my body. But over the past month, I have received an overwhelming amount of support, encouragement, and QUESTIONS about it all. I hope to shed some light on this new element in my life, and do what I ultimately always hope to do with this blog: inspire you.

As you may know, Justin has always been interested in fitness. He desires to help people reach their fitness goals, he researches and studies trainers, methods, and gyms, and his dream is to one day open his own gym. (I feel confident enough that it will happen to put it out on the internet.) And while I have changed a lot of my lifestyle since we've been together, I was never fully on board. 

I'm the girl who has been trying to lose "the last 10 pounds" for about 12 years; since I hit puberty, probably. I will never forget the horrifying moment in the 7th grade gym changing room when I realized that I had a little roll at the bottom of my belly. I knew from that day forward, I had to do everything in my power to hide it. I never thought much about "fixing" it or doing anything about it. I was terrible at sports and hated running, (the only known and acceptable ways to exercise in junior high) and I wasn't about to stop eating chips at birthday parties. I didn't know much about metabolisms, but I did know I had friends who could eat the same things as me, move as little as me, and still weigh 20 pounds less than me. I sort of accepted it as my lot in life and moved on. I had regular teenage girl body issues, learned to love myself, became a bit more active, and was very content with who I am. 

I want to make it very clear that this is still the case. I am very content with who I am. 

That is in no way at the root of my new found passion for fitness. It can't just be about looking good. It just can't. Then I have lost my purpose, my identity, and my values. I don't believe in that, and I never will. My body does not define me. What I've discovered though, is that my passions help shape who I am. And these past 7 months have developed a true passion in me for fitness.

As I mentioned, I have never been athletic, so I was never able to say I was interested in sports. But I wanted to be. I wanted to run and enjoy it. I wanted to be able to have strength and not huff and puff whenever I was asked to lift something. I wanted to be good at something that involved my body. I am always moving, so I think it's fitting. When I discovered how much adrenaline, confidence, and excitement filled me from working out, I knew that was what I wanted. I found something I could push my limits in, see results, and become passionate about an activity that other people can get pumped about as well. Yeah there's people who take it much too far and become obsessed, but I don't have a fear of going there. I don't think I could give up ice cream forever. ;) The feeling of doing a certain movement, and knowing that I have potential to do it with much better form, weight, and energy, motivates me to push myself further. When I'm in the moment and sweating like crazy, I rarely motivate myself with "You're going to look so good after this!" anymore, and have now gone more with something like, "You're only going to get better at this movement!"

I also have a desire to be the best my body can be for my overall health. I have hardly been sick since I started seriously working out and eating healthy, compared to my constant low immune system previously. I have more energy, more confidence, and have a desire to live a long healthy life. I have been thinking a lot about how this needs to be a God-honouring passion, as all my passions should be. I believe God desires us to be healthy and live long, fulfilled lives so that we can impact, encourage, and inspire others. I really hope that I can inspire others in fitness, and form relationships that I wouldn't have otherwise made.

Another huge part of it is supporting Justin in his passion to own a gym and train people. I have always wanted to be a part of his dream, and now that I'm more submersed in the fitness world, I am getting far more excited about actually achieving that with him. I can see it happening, see how I fit into it, and can support him fully.

So do I need help keeping my self-image in check? Absolutely. I am making a stand to never be cocky, obsessed, or condescending regarding my fitness. My goal is to inspire people (and myself) to be healthy and accomplish the goals they have. I realize that everyone's goals are different, but all important. I will also not talk negatively about where my body is at, because I know that I am beautiful and blessed no matter what phase of my goals I am in. 

*Most of what I just wrote was an e-mail sent to my best friend who had a lot of excellent, challenging questions for me. Love you, C!

So! What am I actually doing? I have been working out on my own and eating clean since January. I have lost about 15 pounds and have greatly improved my strength and stamina. What I decided to do, to take it to the next level, was hire a personal trainer from Freak Fitness with an intense 12 week program. I am on a strict meal plan where all my food is weighed and measured. Don't ask me what I can't eat, because it's more like: eat just these 10 foods in these amounts every day! I will get some cheat meals eventually. I train at the gym three days a week with weights and circuits, and do cardio twice a week. 

Today is day 9 and I am loving it so far! Well most of it. I would rather work out for two hours straight than to be tempted with all the food that seems to be constantly around me! But I am determined to keep up my social life, deal with the temptation, and delight in my will power that is growing stronger by the day! I don't plan on deviating from my program for 12 weeks, and I have a lot of people keeping me accountable and rooting for me! I am blown away with the support, and I plan to make you proud! I will continue to post my progress if you're interested, and hope to inspire you in your own goals. Please let me know if you have questions or even need some encouragement.       

Love you all!

Intentional

About a year ago, while sitting in a restaurant with one of my dear friends (who will know who she is once she reads this), I noticed her new tattoo. "intentional" was delicately scrawled across her wrist in black. It was so simple, but I knew right away it would have a powerful explanation.

She told me how her and her brother decided to have a "word" for their summer a few years back. Something that would set the course for the plans they made and the people they filled their life with. They chose "intentional". The following summer, she decided that the word was too rich to only be used once, and decided her whole life needed to be intentional. Eventually, she had it permanently written on her wrist.

I have thought oh so many times about this encounter, and all that it leads me to. It causes me to drastically consider my own life and the decisions I make.

I must be intentional.

Rarely does anything monumental or exceptional happen without being intentional. My marriage, my friendships, my job, my health, my appearance, my clean house. The most beautiful outcomes are those that I was intentional about pursuing. And should they be any different than my connection with Him who created all of these beautiful happenings?

As Christians, we spend an exorbitant amount of time talking about "setting aside time to do devotions". I fully support this, but I also think that if we spent as much time talking to Jesus as we do talking about Him, we'd have a much closer relationship with Him.

We know we need to spend time in His Presence. We know we need to read His Word. We know we need to pray for others and the things we are believing for. But none of those things are ever going to happen unless we are fully intentional about doing all of them. I believe in forming habits so things come more naturally, but even habits have to be enforced on a daily basis if you want them to get anywhere. They're stubborn, like small children.

Being intentional in the Spirit also means being intentional about the fruits of the Spirit. I am a very exuberant person with lots of energy, so you would think that joy would come very easily for me. It's my middle name for goodness' sake. And while it often does, there are countless times where I have to CHOOSE JOY! Anyone else been there before?

One small story is a few weeks ago where I was having a terribly day at work, someone reamed me out on the phone, I had an allergic reaction to medication, and my joy tank was at zero. Our home group met that night to pray for our town and I was not enthused to say the least. I didn't know how I could possibly pour out for someone else when I was so empty. We had some time beforehand to soak in His Presence, and I CHOSE to have a good attitude, to let Him fill me up, and to be intentional about my own emotions. I didn't actually think it would work, but Jesus humored me and told me all sorts of wonderful things and aided in the turnaround of my crusty heart.

I can tell you, I have to be intentional EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. with how I spend my time and how full of His goodness I am. It is my responsibility, and I am taking ownership of it! 

Empowering

I had the privilege of leading a Bible study with my college and career group on Saturday, and I thought I would share it with the rest of you. Something that I focus a lot on is being empowered. I love the word and the passion behind it. It gets me stirred up and makes me want to take on mountains and giants. Being empowered by the things of God is what keeps me motivated and full of life.

Here is a delicious piece of Scripture that empowers me.  

2 Peter 1:2-4 “Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust.”

My favourite part here is verse 3: "seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence."

Granted us everything for life and godliness? Holy smokes. I believe this gives us the true meaning of relying on God.

As Christians, we can often have a mindset that we are completely helpless without God intervening and doing everything for us. Think about some of your cries out to God for Him to help you. Where maybe you knew what the answer was or what you needed to do, but didn’t feel empowered to do it. Sometimes it’s when we need a job, looking for a spouse, succeeding in your finances, or something as big as finding your calling in life. We pray for God to take care of it, to bless us, or to give us the answer. And those are not wrong prayers! But there is so much more to prayer than asking God to take care of us. 

The story in Mark 4:35 - 42 is where Jesus calms the storm. Cole's Notes version is Jesus and the disciples are in a boat, there's a huge storm, Jesus is sleeping, the disciples are all  "Baaah! We're gonna die!! Jesus, don't you care?! Wake up and do something!" So Jesus gets up, and tells the waves to chill out and be quiet, but then turns to the disciples and says this, "“Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

That's a kick in the stomach right there.  The disciples are pleading with Jesus, freaking out, needing Him to intercede.  And He wasn’t actually super impressed with that. But He did tell them what they were missing. He empowered them to be able to do it themselves. 

There is a huge difference between knowing a biblical concept and believing it to be true, and actually applying it in your thought life, your decisions, your actions, and your regular life. The difference between us and the rest of the world, is that we have Christ living and moving through us. It’s not “doing it ourselves”, but it is taking the tools that God has placed within us, and taking on the challenges in life with tenacity and persistence.

1 Timothy 6:12 says, “ Fight the good fight of the faith! Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.”

The concept of weakness in the Bible is not to make us feel that we are in a constant state of helplessness. For every mile of road (or truth), there are two miles of ditch. The truth here is that we need to rely on God. On one side of the ditch, we have people who think they can do everything without God and that He is just there to make us feel nice and do good things for us once in a while. But on the other side, which seems to be easier to fall into, we believe that we are always weak, and never able to fight any battles. God is Almighty, so therefore we are cowards and infants. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says “He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

The key here is “God’s power resting on me”. His power is the focus, not our weakness. We can often take Scriptures and focus on our inabilities, our faults and sins, and our limitations. And although all of those things are true without God, our attention needs to be directed on Him and how He works through us! Romans 8:11 tells us that the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in us! That has been given to us when we accepted Christ. 

And while we do need to recognize our limitations apart from God and humble ourselves, it’s unhealthy not to recognize the power He has placed within us. He loves us more than we are able to grasp, and I think He is sad or disappointed in the moments where we don’t access what He has given us when He sacrificed His life for us. God is so completely for us and like He says in 2 Peter, He has given us everything pertaining to life and godliness. He is an empowering God.

Feeling that empowerment comes from so many places, including hearing His voice, messages from speakers, other people speaking truth over you, and obviously the Bible. Scripture is absolutely full of empowering and encouraging words and we need to be drawing our attention to how His glory is made manifest through us.

These are some of my favourite empowering verses, and if you're going to read them, read them with passion, excitement, and fervor! 

1 Corinthians 15:58 (Message Bible) “With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don`t hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the master, confident that nothing you do for Him is a waste of time or effort.”

Ephesians 6:10-13 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.  Put on the full armour of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”

Romans 8:28-32 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”

:37 “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”

For the most part, God works through us, not just for us. Let yourself be available to that and see what incredible things happen in your life.

"What's new?"

I get a little funny when people ask me that question. I start to stutter and fumble, while trying not to freak out my dinner guests or an old friend I ran into at the mall. It may be the only time I truly don't know what to say. 

I'm in a place in my life where nothing really "new" is happening. I've been with my man for seven years, married for two. We don't have any kids, and won't for a good while. I've been in my career job for three years, and will probably be there at least three more. Though we plan to take vacations, we're not really the travel-the-world type of people. We have our condo, vehicles, furniture, technology, bells, and whistles. And this makes me feel that I have nothing to share in the "new" department.

Oh sure, we're busy as all get out. Between hosting our prophetic home group, dance practice, Passion Project worship practice, church, family dinners, and our date night that we guard with the walls of Jericho, we are always "on-the-go." (Which I think is a stupid expression. It makes people sound like toddlers learning to walk. Or a train.)

Then there is our incredibly active social life with our best friends (all 47 of them) that are really at the core of what we do on a regular basis. We kind of have a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants/How I Met Your Mother/Friends/Brady Bunch thing going on. We are all incredibly close and connected and involved in each others lives. Now there are some new things going on. With one newly married friend, five engaged couples, three new relationships, and a few people moving around, our friends' lives are new and exciting like never before. Sometimes I live vicariously through them.

It's not that I feel sad about my own life, or even bored. Oh gosh, definitely not bored. And I do have new things going on. They're just not the type of thing you share with someone in the produce aisle.

"Well I've been working out and eating really healthy for a few months now, and I've lost some weight!"

"I have been attempting to redecorate the guest bedroom in our house, but I'm failing miserably because I hate taping off ceilings and I'm not as handy as I thought."

"My husband and I had a great date last night and finished it off with great flair!" (sorry to any prudes)

All of these things are true, and actually really exciting to me. Especially the fitness thing - I'm starting to feel like a champion. But it's not what people want to hear about. Those are the things you tell your close friends who see you on a regular basis. Other people just look at you like you're a loon and ask if you have baby fever yet. (It's a fever? Can I buy medication for it? Will I sweat a lot?) At the age I'm at, it's more socially acceptable to have stories about studying in India for a year or going on first dates than it is to talk about your recent addiction to almonds.

But I like my life, and feel really blessed by what I've been given and happy with the choices I've made. I don't feel that I've settled, missed out, or am largely lacking anything. Last night Justin and I drove the truck down a dirt road and just watched the stars while listening to country music and cuddling under a blanket. Tonight, some of our closest friends will come over and we'll share our hearts and talk about how cool Jesus is. On Sunday, I'll lead a worship event where the Presence of God consistently shows up and people's lives are impacted.

HOLY SMOKES I LOVE MY LIFE!

And having nothing "new" to share in the public's eye is just fine with me. My adventures, lovelies, and kick-ass Jesus are everything I need.

Yes, I said kick-ass Jesus.

Being faithful

I am currently trying to not scream with excitement at God's goodness! He always comes through, even if we have given up or don't recognize His ways of blessing us. Sometimes we have to wait, sometimes we receive His blessings right away. Sometimes it is exactly what we were praying for, sometimes it is more than we could have ever believed possible, and sometimes it is something entirely different that may leave us a little confused. As of today, I feel blessed beyond belief and I am praising God for all of it. But first, let me tell you some things that are not so wonderful. Things that had me questioning, worrying, and full of grief. And yet, with each one comes a small victory and gift from our Father who takes such good care of us.

Justin has his own business, which comes with many pros and cons. Working for yourself is fantastic, and I find myself envious of his flexibility at times. It also means that you are responsible to front all of your expenses and losses. And while he has been incredibly blessed his first few years of business, it has come with a mighty amount of storms and disappointments. I'm going to be honest about all of them.

The first one occurred when he did thousands of dollars worth of work for a contractor who ended up not being able to pay him right away. Eight months later, we are still waiting for that check. Obviously that stings a little, especially since it was right around the time where he needed to buy a new trailer which set us back a few grand.

The next big hit was his trailer being broken into a few months ago, and most of his tools were stolen. We, uh, didn't have insurance. We learned our lesson, got insurance right away, but still had to repurchase thousands of dollars worth of equipment, while still paying subcontractors and regular expenses. God blessed us with the company Justin gets work from who paid for the tools upfront and slowly took the amount off his checks.

Only a short while later was his trailer broken into AGAIN! This time, there was serious damage to the trailer itself and it was left almost completely empty. Though we had insurance, the paperwork only went through the day before the theft, making us look suspicious and the process a lot more extensive. We are currently still waiting to be reimbursed once again. There were deductibles on both the trailer insurance and insurance on the tools, which was a hefty number. Around the same time, Justin got a letter saying he hadn't filed his 2009 taxes. Ridiculous, I know, but it comes with good news. He filed, and will be getting a return that nearly covers our deductibles.

Then there were a series of smaller but frustrating events including blowing out a tire on the trailer, another bag of tools gone missing, a flat on our truck, etc. We were so discouraged and couldn't figure out what to do. Both of us believe very strongly in tithing, being generous, and using our finances to glorify God. We had been so faithful, and had even increased our giving through this process. We knew God would take care of us, but it was looking so dismal in the meantime.

What happened next put me over the edge. Through our prophetic home group, we have been doing a lot of outreach to people and talking about how to truly love people, especially strangers who don't know Christ. A week ago, Justin really stepped out in that and inconvenienced himself by picking up a hitchhiker on his way to work (which I was not totally thrilled about, but he thought it would be ok). He encouraged him, shared Jesus with him, and dropped him off. When he got to work, he realized that his iPad had been stolen.

When I found out, I lost it. All I could do was cry and feel like giving up. The iPad was a Christmas gift from me, had tons of important information on it, and was used for the business. This felt like the final straw. We felt that we were doing everything right, and even when we went out of our way to show Christ's love, we got burned. I felt sick and so terribly disappointed. But my incredible husband encouraged us in a different way. He was just as upset as I was, but we realized that our value was not in our material things. This wasn't a person who had been taken from us, but a series of objects; things that were important, but not worth grieving over. Justin was inconvenienced in his time, and that extended to his possessions as well. But he was still glad he did it.

Now it is tax time, which is always different being self-employed. We have been setting aside money to cover our upcoming tax bill. Because of all of the added expenses throughout the year, we didn't set aside as much as we intended to. But we were hoping that with the amount of write offs, we would be able to pay the bill without cutting into any other finances.

Well I am so stoked to find out that not only am I getting money back, but Justin is also getting a small refund, which means all of the money that was set aside is OURS!!!! We will have a huge amount of extra money that we don't have to pay to taxes!!!! God is so good and we are more than thankful for the way He provides. Let this be an encouragement to stay faithful to Him, even when things look terrible. He has an answer when we put our faith in Him. 

Weapons of Love

I want to talk about newsworthy hateful comments.

Believe me, I am the last person I imagined to be blogging about news items, politics, or even anything related to current events. My college years consumed me with these items that I had little interest in. Yes, I keep up with what’s going on around me, but I have never been one to write about it or comment. But I am sad.

I almost said mad, but that’s not quite right. I am sad and here is why:

If you have been keeping up with the news or even have a Facebook page, you will have heard plenty about homophobic slurs spray painted on houses, arguments over Bill c-18, and more recently, a restaurant in Morris shutting down due to homophobic comments made by some people in the town. This is terrible.

In no way am I writing to express my opinions on homosexuality, (or any other minorities for that matter) or stating anything argumentative on one side or the other. That is not how I roll, and it is not how I feel any great change is accomplished. What I want to write about is LOVE.

Now these recent events are not in any way directed to Christians by having the finger pointed at us. But let’s be serious about our reputation. It’s not great.  I am speaking very generally here, but I think it’s fair to say that the perception on Christianity is not always one of great acceptance. I’m trying to be careful how I word this, because I am not talking about differences of opinions, taking a stand for what you believe, or the way you choose to live. I am talking about how we as Christians, who have the intense love of Jesus in our hearts, don’t always seem to grasp the concept of loving people who are different than us.

I watched the short documentary “Furious Love” yesterday, and it spoke so deeply to me. I won’t go into detail, but it follows different people who have gone into some pretty intense places and just simply loved people.  Some of the pastors who were interviewed said things to the effect of, “If Christians simply learned to love the rest of the world, we would see a lot more change.”

Though it can be quite challenging to really love someone with different value sets than you, it is the only way we can truly live the way we were called to. Love does NOT equal agreement, convincing, or arguing.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:34-35

We are to love others, JUST AS HE HAS LOVED US! I don’t know about your story of grace, but God has loved me through a heck of a lot that I have never deserved. God and I may not even agree all the time. But He sure does love me in a way I can hardly describe, and nothing will ever change that. And believe it or not, we are called to love in the same way.

I don’t just want to refer to homosexuality, but rather anyone and everyone we are reluctant to share our love with. People. Not belief systems, but people. Jesus loves people, regardless of, well, anything. But what does this look like for us?

For one, it means not making hateful or ignorant comments, spray painting houses, or attacking people groups. This in no way shows our hearts of love.

What it simply means is treating every single person we meet with respect, kindness, patience, and grace. It’s taking time for others, listening to them and asking questions, caring for needs, showing appreciation, and leaving judgements at the door. There are so many people desperately in need of love, and we should be the ones to spread it.

Genuine love is the one thing that no one can argue with. Let it be your weapon of choice.

Letting Go

This is going to get a bit more personal than usual. As of recently, the number one thing that God is teaching me is how to let go.

I am a person who loves change. I don't like to eat the same thing for dinner twice in a month, I love vacations and trying new things, I like to always have something going on in my life and keep it exciting. I do not, however, like when the people around me change. Changing of their personalities and positive growth is wonderful and encouraged, but change such as moving away or doing something that pulls away from their life with me, is very hard to swallow. I like to have the people I love as close to me as possible, with as much time together as possible. I'm not good at loving from a distance, and I'm not good at watching people go. But as I get older, and my life and friends' lives change, I have to get over it.

Even though nothing about my life itself is changing, I feel that I am in a huge state of transition. At work, my close friend and mentor of three years left to move on to other things. As of today, my best friend at work and the only person within 20 years of my age is leaving to go to school. My brother and one of my best friends are both getting married, which is exciting, but I know great change will come along with that. And most of all, my best friend in the whole world is moving to another province for a year. This. Is. Hard.

Now if you're a person who is a little more transient than I am, this maybe wouldn't be as difficult for you. I sometimes envy those who can just pick up and move or let go of people without such agony and weepy goodbyes. I suck at all of that and usually let my heart be stretched and bruised. I realize most of it is my own fault and emotions. I'm not a basket case, but I'm not good at loving without the agony. I let myself feel it all, no matter how big or small the injury.

But the first thing I had to realize was this: no one is doing this to intentionally hurt me.

Moving on to better things is something that should be celebrated by friends, not stunted because of their own heartache. I need to completely selflessly let them go with joy and be happy for the plan God has for them. Whether or not it includes me. Gulp. It's not that they don't want to be where I am, it's that they need to be somewhere I'm not.

The next thing I am still fully learning is: I can still love them with the same power as if they were right here with me.

I still am not entirely sure how to do this, and it is only by God's love that I am able to maintain that balance. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, and loving passionately without all the benefits of them being present in my life is very difficult. It would be far easier for me to just shut off my emotions toward them and pretend they are not in my life anymore. Harsh, I know, but it would be easier. But God didn't call us to the easier. He called us to love.

I believe God has called me to both love and inspire, and I need to do that with the gifts He has supplied me with and continues to grow in me. I need to love, not only my friends, but the people in the world who desperately need love. The people who don't receive love and the people who need God's love. He has called me to focus much of my intense ability to love on more than just those who are easy to love.

Matthew 5:43-48 says, "You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

So I will learn to let go and how to still love. I will love those who are more difficult to love than my friends, and I will learn to love from a distance. God IS love, and is living inside of me. And that is my best chance.  

Intimacy

I absolutely love intimacy with Jesus. Getting right up close and personal with the One who gives me ultimate joy. His Presence is my favourite place to be, and there is absolutely nothing like it.

But I forget.

I forget how much I love it, I forget how it makes me feel, I forget the benefit it brings to my life. I forget to take the time to enter His Presence. I realize I am walking in His Presence as often as I acknowledge it and can enter in at any time. But to really soak it all in and saturate myself in Jesus' love, I need to get to that place. The place where I can almost see His face. The place where I imagine the throne room of Jesus and imagine myself dancing before Him. The place where NOTHING else is important and all my heart desires is to worship.

It takes work to get to that place. It is a matter of setting aside all distractions, all inhibitions, all other desires. I need to think less of myself and more of Him. Less of what is wrong with life and more of His goodness. Less of why I'm not good enough and more of what He makes up for. Letting go of the things that hold me back and fill my mind, and throwing myself at Christ who gave it all up for me. It is a terribly simple, yet powerful concept that needs to be constantly on my mind.

He truly does deserve all our praise, and yet it is so difficult for us to get to that place. We will never just "have the time". We can't afford not to make the time. I'm not even referencing reading Scripture, prayer, intercession, or devotions. I need to take the time to make myself completely aware of Him, and let Him overwhelm my senses and thoughts. The most obvious way I am affected by His Presence is through music. Passion Project is the most prevalent way I allow myself to be taken in by God and His majesty. During practices, the events; even preparing beforehand.

The feeling of empowerment I receive by His Presence is so incredible. The things He reveals to us when we worship Him, and the secret words He speaks to us can be life changing. It's more than just feeling good about singing a song that praises Jesus. It's going so much deeper into our relationship with Him and letting Christ show us things that are only found in the secret place. The inspiration and beauty of it all is sometimes enough to take my breath away. And still we forget.

I encourage you to let yourself go to those places. Maybe it's a fearful thing to let yourself be so open and vulnerable. God can show you things that may be difficult to overcome, but His phenomenal love can cover all of that. Maybe it's an issue of being to busy and not letting our minds rest on Him. He has so much goodness to share with you that will change the way you live. Pursue Him, and He will pursue you. Let yourself into His heart as He invites you. Move a little closer. Go a little deeper. Know His heart. It will always be worth it.

Transformations

Have you ever had a life changing experience? (Yes, probably) Have you ever had a spiritual life changing experience? (Perhaps) Maybe a youth convention or a powerful worship time in church. You may have gone to a really good conference or an intimate moment where you heard God speak to you. Or you could have even gone to Bible school or a missions trip for a good long while and got all sorts of life changing knowledge, experience, and truths that will stay with you. I think these are wonderful. But I also think we (I) hop from one of these to another with far too little in between.

I am a pro at radical, emotional, spiritual highs that leave me feeling amazing, empowered, and ready to tell the whole world about how great my Jesus is. When I say pro, I mean really good at often making them the center of my walk with Christ and living from one phenomenal experience to the next. And it DOESN'T WORK.

Thinking back to high school in particular, before I learned to better maintain and understand my emotions. I get all jazzed up after youth on a Friday night or after a month at camp. But after a while, I'd slowly start to fade out and wonder what happened. "I guess it just wasn't powerful enough to change me forever." Not that I'd go into some sort of crazy alternate life that involved substance abuse or violent behavior. But everyone has their secret sins and regular habits that don't involve a lifestyle that is always ready to share the kingdom.

Because of a big move and church change when I was 12, I got baptized later than most of my friends at the age of 17. I was going through some stuff I really wanted to break free from, and I was convinced that publicly being baptized in my large home church would be the answer. It was big, it was emotional, I had tons of people supporting me, and it had Jesus-filled written all over it. I was so ready. So I got baptized, consciously changed my behavior for a few weeks, and "fell off the band wagon" shortly after. I felt I had failed, that I wasn't a strong enough Christian, that I didn't truly know how to live for Christ and be a change maker in the world around me. And slowly, I finally learned.

When I was maybe 19 I asked my mom, "How do I be more logically led? I am so emotional and it really damages my decisions and makes me feel like a crazy person sometimes." She answered with something that I think about on a regular basis. She said, "Melanie, you don't need to be logically or emotionally led. You need to be spiritually led." Wow. Maybe that won't have the same effect on you that it did on me, but it totally rocked my world and the way I made decisions.

The point I'm getting around to is that our life walk as radical followers of Christ is a 100% constant renewal of our mind and transformation that may look different every day. Yes, those big, life changing experiences or times in our life are incredibly important to how we are shaped and our perspective on life. But we all know we can't live in a constant state of that. How many times have you wished you could just stay at camp or Bible school or YWAM or some place that just saturates you with the Word and surrounds you with people who are rip raring to go about the Gospel? It's a contagious atmosphere, and often keeps us in line with where God wants us to go. But unless you decide to make a career out of missions (which is still a constant state of change and renewal), we all live in a world that has the potential to constantly changes our minds and attitudes about the way we pursue our lifestyles and what we dedicate our time to.

Romans 12:2 is the best example of this kind of life when it says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will." The way to be transformed is in the renewing of our minds on a regular basis: before, during, and after the crazy experiences. Filling our ordinary days with teaching, worship, prayer, reading; anything that gets us focused and able to approve what God's will is. Which sounds like so much WORK! Having moments that other people orchestrate that we are a part of seems like such a better way to go about things, and it is definitely a part of finding more of God. I run a ministry that does exactly that, for goodness sake, but I have learned that it CANNOT stop there. We can't wait around till the next one to meet God. He's not an acquaintance that we go for coffee with once a month. He desires to be our most intimate friend, which requires time, energy, love, and a renewal and focus of our minds.

Sorry if it seems like I blog about the most basic of ideas, but I heard in a great message that so much of our learning comes from being reminded of something we already know, and letting the Holy Spirit be our divine reminder. John 14:26 "But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." Ever notice how some of the best messages you hear are about something you've known since kindergarten, but you just heard it in a different way? I LOVE that! 

May the Holy Spirit bring to remembrance the things you have seen on missions trips, the things He has told you in secret, the things you have experienced in conferences and worship. And may you use those things to move forward, to fill in the times in between with His plan for you and your focus on Him. Keep renewing and transforming. Forever.

My Mom's Story

Goodness, it has been a while since I wrote a post, so I apologize for that. I have been wanting to share my mom's story, but timing was very key. Now we're ready, and hope that you can benefit from the telling of God's grace in our lives. 

Many of my blog readers know the story of what happened to my mom, or at least know the basics. Now that much of the chaos has subsided, and my mom has approved of this telling, I will share the story of the tragedy, her continuing journey, and ultimately, God’s goodness.

Friday, November 30 around 6:30pm, I was getting ready for my best friend’s birthday party. Some of the boys were over practicing a perfectly hilarious skit to make our dear Claire laugh, and I was putting in some earrings when I got the phone call.

“Hello, are you Melanie? My name is (calm, nice lady) and I’m with your mom. She has been in a car accident.  She is all right, and she is talking. She asked me to call you and to tell your dad what happened.”

Panic. Fear. Slow down. Calm. She said she was all right; I just need to tell Dad.

Phone. More panic. Confusion. Many more phone calls. Calm.

My dad headed to the hospital, and I continued to slowly put on clothes and tell the boys what had happened. We would wait to hear more news, and go to the hospital afterward. Everything was mediocrely ok. Press on to have a good time, and not disappoint my lovely.

Then the second call came that turned mediocre into terror and tears. The other driver didn’t make it.

In a moment of falling apart, my brother’s first response was intense prayer that solidified our faith in our Father, even in terrible and confusing situations. I felt His Presence as I wept for many things. We left for the ER.

From that point on were days of grief, bewilderment, and pain; but never despair. The immediate reactions of our family and closest friends were the pure image of grace God designed for us. The ER room was overflowing with loving family and the most beautiful friends all there to support my mom and us. I had to laugh at the twelve other faces I saw before finding my dad (the only one I expected). The continuous flow of people didn’t stop as my mom’s hospital room was rarely without guests, flowers, and encouragement.

Her delightful friends covered her walls floor to ceiling with Scripture to keep her focused on what was important. Though tragedy surrounded her, she continued to look only to the One who could carry her through. Physically, just her leg was broken, but inside she had a much bigger battle to fight.

She shared some visions that God gave her about what she was going through. My favourite one is a picture of a huge canyon with just a swinging rope bridge going across. My sweet mother is standing on one side, knowing she needs to cross. But she is screaming in terror at God telling Him she can’t. She’s terribly afraid of heights in reality, and this journey seems like too much to bear. To face people. To find out more. To overcome the grief and guilt. To move forward. She asks God about the other people in her life who love her. He says to her, “They can’t walk this bridge for you, but they’re all on the other side waiting for you, and they’re pulling the ropes tighter to make it a little easier to cross.” And so she is crossing.

My mama is one of the toughest, bravest people I know, and has far too much love in her heart for a daughter like me. When she was in the scary ER, we held hands as she started to cry, and I said, “Mom, you get your focus right. You don’t think about anything else but Jesus.” She did, and she did it with such grace and beauty. She spoke only of God’s goodness and mercy, and kept looking to Him. It’s something you can hear about a thousand times, but it’s something else completely when you’re looking at it. My mom built her house before the storm, and had a strong foundation when it came. She could have been rocked, blown over, finished, too overwhelmed to go on. But she had a firm anchor like I’ve never seen. It’s a gigantic testimony to others to build up your foundation NOW, not when tragedy hits.

Some of the other things this accident has shown us is the love for each other within our family and never taking the people around us for granted, an increased love and concern for hurting people, and the most gorgeous picture of grace we need to extend, as we have received it in such abundance. So many people have been affected by her story, and she will continue to use what she can from it to glorify God.  

People are often asking me how she is doing, and I asked her how I should appropriately respond to that. She told me to tell of His goodness and unfailing love, and the work He is doing in her heart.  Her leg is still healing, and her journey isn’t over, but we serve a good God, and that is all that matters.

I love you, mama.