This post is a long time coming. Not just because I haven't written in a while. Because I've been processing it for quite some time, and sorting out my thoughts surrounding it. It stemmed from a conversation with my mentor as I was sharing my heart regarding some fears. Her response was so beautiful and God-breathed, that I had to share it with the rest of you. Hopefully it will affect your heart and mind as much as it did me.
If you read my blog, you may know that I struggle with letting go. Letting go of people, specifically, through moving away, getting married, and just moving on. It's still tough, and a daily reminder that though one of my love languages may be quality time, the sudden lack of this possibility does not affect their love for me. I realized that my struggle with letting go was deeper, and affected more areas of my life.
I have a strong fear of losing people.
Recent tragedies for others surrounding me has put the notion in my head that I will also lose people I love sooner than I anticipate. This gravitated most strongly to my husband. The person I love the most in the whole world could be taken away from me at any moment without any of my say in the matter. While I am not of the belief that God takes away and places irrevocably timed death on His children, I do know that our every day choices and life events can cause such calamity. Someone driving on the highway while intoxicated and causing a fatal accident is not in God's plan, but is a real possibility. I'll stop there with the potential scenarios, as there is no benefit to fueling the fear fire.
As I was expressing my uneasiness to my mentor, and she listened very intently. Not normally being a worrying person, this was a bit more serious than my regular concerns. I spoke of the fear of being alone without Justin, and not having a clue what I would do. Playing out stories in my mind of what would happen, where I would go, how I would go on. It's sick, really.
I also spoke of praying for protection every single day, and though I do wholeheartedly believe in the power of protective prayer, I was not praying for it out of a place of trust. It was more like desperation to keep my life together.
She validated my fears, but brought me to a different perspective. While it was absolutely legitimate to desire to keep my husband around, I was holding on too tightly. In a paraphrased version, she said this:
"When you look at our lives and who we are, and strip everything down to the bare basics, our spirit is what's left. That is the one thing that is eternal, and what we were created for. So everything else in our life is meant to grow and bring life to our spirit. Everything is meant to bring us closer to God. You and Justin being married is for the purpose of learning from each other and growing closer to God through each other. The people and things of this earth can all be stripped away, but if we have our complete hope in God, we will still be satisfied. So hold on lightly to Justin and to all the other people and things in your life. Still love fiercely, but hold on lightly."
I was utterly and completely blown away by this. Every relationship and thing in my life that God has given me is simply for the purpose of drawing closer to His heart. He created us for Him. And while I know that in my head, it hasn't until now affected how I live out my life and build my relationships. If my marriage is, at its core, meant to bring glory to God, and bring me closer in relationship to Him, then yes it will be devastating whenever one of us goes to be with Him in heaven, but it does not mean that my life is ruined at that point in time.
It's a very selfish way to look at it, actually, since I've been treating my marriage and other relationships like they are for my benefit; even for the benefit of me and the other person involved. And while God gives us beautiful relationships to enrich our lives, at the foundation of it is a greater calling to bring us nearer to Him. The ultimate relationship.
So although it is still sad for me to let people go, I no longer live in fear of losing them. I still love them fiercely, but I am able to hold on lightly, as I know the bigger picture of why they are in my life.
Thank you Jesus for relationships that enhance my even more important relationship with You.
No comments:
Post a Comment